


Coming Clean

by JDSampson



Category: Project Blue Book (TV)
Genre: Angst, Choices, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-02-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:22:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22793926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JDSampson/pseuds/JDSampson
Summary: Spoilers for Hopkinsville – takes place right after Susie/Quinn scene and is my interpretation of how things could play out. I have no knowledge of how they will play out so this is purely speculative fiction.
Relationships: Susie Miller & Michael Quinn
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	Coming Clean

Coming Clean

They took that shower together. Quinn suggested it when it felt like she didn’t want to let go of him for even a second. In the past few months, they’d spent plenty of time wrapped up in each other’s arms and he was known for keeping her from running off without one more touch, one more kiss, even when they were both late for work. But this was different. There was a desperation in her hug. A neediness that wasn’t sexual. It was warmth and protection. It was odd.

Just a bad dream maybe. A return to the man who had abused her so badly for so long. The black eye. The split lip. How could a man do that to a woman? Any woman, let alone this lithe fairy that had knocked him for a loop with her wings.

She was tiny but mighty. Without her heels, she tucked in nicely beneath his chin which allowed her to place a line of kisses over his collar bone as he ran soapy hands down her back and over her backside. He gave an extra squeeze while he was down there which caused her hips to snap forward. The contact was like the key starting the car. Her hand followed, shifting him into drive.

They’d never made love in the shower. Quinn’s brain began working on the logistics as she purred against his chest.

“I think I’m falling in love with you.”

She said it so softly, so mumbly, he wasn’t sure he’d heard right so he let it go. He wasn’t ready for that yet. But close. Closer than he’d been with any woman since. . .

No. No. Stay here. Stay in the present. Enjoy what you have in front of you.

His fingers moved up again, over her wet skin into her wet hair.

“What’s this?” Quinn circled the area with one finger. A lump at the back of her head. He tried to turn her for a better look, but she resisted.

“It’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing. It’s quite a goose egg.”

“It’s embarrassing.”

He smiled and kissed her nose. “I like embarrassing. Tell me.”

“I was digging through you drawers to see what other secrets I could find.”

“Like lingerie that doesn’t belong to you?”

“I dropped a sock, leaned down to pick it up and forgot the drawer was open. Nearly knocked myself out when the corner hit my head.”

“Ouch. That must have hurt.” Kiss on the forehead.

“I saw stars, for sure.”

“Stars, huh? Maybe we should call in Doctor Hynek for a second opinion.” Kiss on the shoulder.

“Funny.”

Kiss on the lips. He let that one go on a little longer.

“Speaking of the Doc. I told him about us.”

She stiffened in his arms and he knew he’d gone a step too far.

“I thought we agreed to keep it a secret?” Voice low and soft, not loud. Just the way he was when he got angry.

“I know, darling, but he and I were having a heart-to-heart in Hopkinsville and it felt like right time. He already knew I was seeing someone, so he asked and I answered. He was surprised.”

Susie frowned and wriggled out of Quinn’s embrace. “I wish you hadn’t done that.”

“Why? I know we decided to keep it quiet but that was only when it was new and we weren’t sure where it was going. But now’s different. Now we know where we’re going.”

“Do we?”

“Don’t we?”

She pushed the shower curtain aside and stepped out into the steamed bathroom.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think it would be a big deal.” He shut off the shower and joined her on the small bathroom rug.

“It’s not a big deal. It’s just that he’ll tell Mimi and she’ll be upset with me. We’re friends and she’ll know I’ve been keeping secrets from her and it’ll hurt her feelings.”

“I hadn’t thought about that. Well, you can explain. Blame it on me. Tell her I insisted we keep it quiet in case it all went South.”

“Went South?”

“Went wrong. We decided we weren’t a good fit.” He slipped his arms around her from behind. “But you fit so nice right here.” He pressed his still excited member up against her and had this quick, lusty thought about what it would be like to take her this way. Bent over the vanity where he could see his reflection on the mirror as he filled her from behind.

She grabbed her panties from the towel rack and slid into them, ending any notion that his fantasy might come true.

“You just don’t understand women.” She wrapped her bra around her chest backwards, then tugged it around to cup her properly. Not easy since her skin was still wet.

Quinn grabbed a towel to dry her, but she took it from him and rubbed it quickly over her body and hair.

Okay. So he’d made a mistake. But clearly there was more to it. Something left over from whatever made her cling to him when he first got home.

“I’ll apologize to Mimi. We can set up a dinner date. The four of us and—”

“I’ll handle it. No plans with them, please. I’ll make a lunch date with Mimi so we can talk about you men all we like without you hearing.” She smiled slightly and that combined with the jab helped Quinn relax.

Was this officially their first fight?

“Get dressed. I’ll make breakfast,” Susie said, opening the door to let the cold air into the bathroom and the warm, wet air out. “Or lunch. I don’t even know what time it is.” She dashed off without a look or a kiss.

Okay, maybe he shouldn’t relax just yet.

With images in his head of her bent over the vanity mixed with thoughts about where he’d gone wrong, Quinn toweled off and brushed his teeth. Back in the bedroom, he got into fresh underclothes and then into dark gray slacks and a loose black bowling shirt.

By the time he got to the kitchen, Susie had sandwiches made. So lunch then.

“There’s no coffee.” She announced when he entered the kitchen. “Not enough for a pot. If you’re not starving, I’ll run to the market and get some.”

“I can do without for now.” But he did light a cigarette.

“I can’t. I need coffee. I won’t be long. Eat if you can’t wait. I’ll have mine when I get back.”

This time she did hit him with a quick peck on the cheek. He tried to extend the experience, but she made it clear that she wasn’t up for the games today. Shame.

She grabbed her purse and coat and he barely made it to the door before she was tugging it open.

“Hang on. Let me get you some money.”

“No need. I think I can afford a can of coffee.” Then she was gone leaving him to wonder if he’d somehow inadvertently upset her. Not sure how, since she was fine when he’d left for Hopkinsville. Something had happened while he was gone. For sure. But what?

He closed the door and as he turned he saw the imperfection in the wall. A smudge and – he ran his hand over the spot – a slight dent. Quinn opened the door again and pulled it back as far as it would go. Further than he ever needed to open it and noted how the door handle made contact with the wall. As if someone had shoved the door open – hard – and it flew back and dented the wall.

Damn it.

That meant someone had come into his apartment. But who was that someone after, him or her?

Her, he decided. Because if the intruder had been after him, she would have said so. Unless she wasn’t here when it happened. But put together with her sudden fragility and her mysterious mood it only worked one way.

Her ex had followed her to his apartment and had pushed his way in to take her back.

Fuck.

His pulse quickened and he had trouble standing still as new images of some brute putting a scare into Susie ran through his mind. He should have known that the husband wouldn’t be gone for good. Another complication. Another wrinkle.

In need of something to do, Quinn went into the bedroom and made the bed. It was his habit to make it when he got up and seeing it now in a tumbled mess activated some little niggle at the back of his brain. He pulled the blanket off so he could unfurl it properly and a piece of paper went flying. He lost it in the furl of the fabric but located it partially under the bed.

Not paper.

A photo.

A photo of a little girl.

She looked so sad. A picture of Susie herself as a child was his first thought, but why would she carry that with her? Why would she have it with her in bed?

What the hell had happened while he was in Hopkinsville?

It took every ounce of strength and training Quinn had to keep his temper and nerves under control until Susie returned. He told himself he’d hold his questions until after they’d enjoyed their meal together but he didn’t have that much willpower.

Halfway through lunch, he pulled the picture out of his shirt pocket and held it up for her to see.

She went pale. He’d read that expression a dozen times in novels but he’d never taken it as the actual truth. But here he was witnessing it firsthand. The color drained from her face and her eyes went dark. There was an eerie flatness to her features as if she’d become suddenly devoid of all emotion.

“I found it in the bed when I was making it.”

She looked like she wanted to snatch it from his hand but held back like a child that was used to getting her hand slapped. He laid it on the table and pushed it closer to her.

“Is there something you want to tell me? What happened when I was gone?”

“That’s my daughter.”

Even though he kind of suspected it, it still felt odd to hear it from her lips. “You have a daughter. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Susie picked up the photo with a gentleness she rarely exhibited. Her eyes were locked on the eyes of the girl. Maybe purposely avoiding Quinn’s gaze or just happy not to have to hide.

“She’s not here with me. She’s with my mother back in. . . back at home. I came here hoping to make a new life. Earn enough money, enough favors to get her out.”

Get her out? Favors? Back home? Quinn felt queasy.

“Where is home?”

“Saratov.”

“Russia.” Quinn tried the word out in his mouth. “Your family is still there. You were born there?”

She stood up, some signs of the strong and forceful woman that he’d come to know returning. “You want to know if you’ve been sleeping with the enemy?”

She strode into the living room forcing him to get up and follow.

“Have I?” God it hurt just to ask.

“YES!” And for that she looked him in the eye. “And you had no idea because that’s how good I am. How well trained I was. Use what you have, girl. Show it off and they’ll tell you all their secrets.”

“What are you saying? You’re. . . ” He couldn’t put it out there.

“A spy? That’s the word you’re looking for, right? A god damn, commy spy!”

“That’s not funny.”

“No. It’s not.” She picked up a notebook from his desk. A report on his last case full of confidential details. “You should be careful what you leave lying around. You never know who might see it.”

“What are you. . . I can’t even. . . “ He yanked the notebook from her hands and put it face down on the desk like that even mattered now. While he was there, he pulled cigarette from the pack that was always in the top drawer of the desk and lit it with a heavy lighter shaped like a bird that he used as a paperweight. “If you’re trying to say. . . you were friends with Mimi.”

“I was assigned to the Hyneks. I decided it was best to get close to Mimi so I could learn what Doctor Hynek was working on. No one ever believed the Blue Book was about aliens. We always thought it was a front for an American weapons program. That’s why it was so important that I gain access.” It poured out of her mouth like it was a relief to finally let it go. “I got all I could out of the Hyneks but it wasn’t enough for my superiors. They needed someone with more access.”

“Military access.” Quinn went for the booze. “How could I be so fucking stupid?” He poured whiskey into a glass, but it sloped over the side which made him curse even louder and sharper. “Why are you telling me this? Do you realize the position you’re putting me in?” He threw back a mouthful and let the glass drop down too hard and loud on the cart. “Or am I on my way out? Poison in the coffee? Is that why you had to run to the market? To get something to do me in because I was getting suspicious.”

“That’s what they wanted me to do!”

Whoa. That was like a brick to the head. He’d been half kidding but now -- “You planned to kill me? I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with that.”

“Not kill you. The night before you left. The phone woke you and I was sitting on the edge of the bed.”

His blood ran cold. He sucked hard on the cigarette and then poured another drink.

“I was supposed to drug you. My handler was waiting downstairs to take you. Kidnap you so they could get answers.”

Knees gave out on that one. He stumbled forward and she jumped back, afraid of him.

God damn it. She should be afraid of him. He should ring her neck. Carry her to the car and drive her to the base to be put under lock and key.

“You were going to let them do that? Take me. Torture me for information? You know I was an interrogator during the war. I know how this works. I’ve been on the other side of the table enough times. Only once on the prisoner side and you were going to put me in that chair again. After all we – I can’t believe you’re that good. That you could make love to me the way you did, respond to my touch the way you did and it was all an act?”

“Not all of it.” Susie stepped forward then backed off again keeping furniture between them. Just in case he should snap.

“No. Don’t you even think about telling me that it started out as job and then you fell in love.”

“Fine! Maybe not love but you . . . I swear to you. I didn’t know it could be like this. I’ve never been with a man who was as kind and gentle and giving as you’ve been with me. All the men I’ve ever known took what they wanted. They never considered my feelings. Never cared about making me feel good. I was property. A tool for satisfying their urges. Then put on the shelf until they wanted to fuck me again.”

Even though he used that word often, it felt harsh and dirty coming out of her mouth.

“I didn’t know there was another way. Until you came along, I didn’t know that it was possible to feel – wanted. Loved.”

“Stop. Just stop.”

“Michael, please.” She reached for him and he threw her off with more force than he meant to. She was small. Fragile.

No. That was the Susie he thought he knew.

The real Susie was a tough bitch. A survivor. She’d be fine.

He, on the other hand.

“Don’t you understand! I did it for her!” Susie snapped up the photo and crushed it to her chest. “My lapochka. I miss her so.” She sniffed, kissed the photo and her sadness quickly shifted into anger. “Tell me you wouldn’t lie to protect your child. That you wouldn’t steal to feed her. That you wouldn’t lay down with dogs to give her a better life.” A quick flame and she was done. She collapsed down to sitting on the couch. “What am I saying? You’re a man. You can’t understand.”

And in that she was wrong. He would do. Did do things that he wouldn’t normally do just to protect the little one in his life. Not that it mattered. He still had to endure the pain of a coffin in the end.

Think. Think.

“There’s only one option. If you’re not lying to me now.”

“I’m not.”

“Then you turn. You tell my superiors everything you know and it better be worth something.”

“But I don’t know anything! They give me a job and tell me to do it.”

“Bullshit. You can give us your handlers. You can point out other spies working in the US because I know there are more like you and Rizzuto.”

“Rizzuto! They know you flipped him. I’m supposed to kill him as penance for not delivering you.”

Quinn laughed, almost said ‘good’. He was no fan of Rizzuto’s but the man was technically on their side now, so Quinn couldn’t, in good conscience, let him become a target.

“And if you don’t kill him?” He sat down beside her on the couch. She flinched but didn’t move.

“They threatened to take my daughter.”

“And that’s the real reason you decided to tell me everything. You left the photo on purpose. You know me. My habits. You knew I’d make the bed. Fuck you’re good.” But even as he said it, his voice softened. He reached out to her, flinched when she did, aching to know she was now afraid of him. Gently he stroked her hair from her face and slid across the bump at the back of her head.

“What happened while I was gone?”

She leaned into his touch but now he didn’t know if it was for real comfort or just a tactic to draw him in.

“After you left, they pushed their way in.”

The damage to the wall.

“They dragged me out of here. Drove me to an isolated spot in the woods. There was an open grave. Daria told me that I had disappointed her. I’d made promises to deliver you and when I didn’t, I couldn’t be taken at my word any longer.”

The strong survivor front was starting to crack but now Quinn was wary. Was this real or just another part of her act?

“They hit me on the head and dumped me in the grave. Covered me with dirt.”

His breath caught and a lump rose in this throat.

“Daria left one of her men to make sure the job was done. Fool. And she thought I was the one who couldn’t follow through. The idiot did a half assed job of burying me then went to have a drink in his car.” She stood, wobbled on shaky legs then dropped back to the couch. “I crawled out of that grave because they threatened my daughter. If it wasn’t for her. I would have stayed there. You would have never known what happened to me. They would have sent someone else – someone less gentle – after you. And this time, there wouldn’t have been any mistakes.”

“Is there where I’m supposed to say thank you for saving me from a fate worse than death?” Wow, he hadn’t meant it to come out so snarky but it was harsh even to his own ear.

“I’m telling you the truth, that’s all. The whole truth.”

“I think you lost any chance of my ever believing you again about ten minutes ago.”

“Fine!” Susie stood again and waved her hand at him as if she was throwing some invisible object in his face. “Don’t believe me. But it’s true. And I’ll understand if you say you can’t help me. That you want me gone from your life.”

“Gone from my life?” He stood too and she flinched again – god damn it. “You do know that’s not an option. You just confessed to being a spy. You confessed to delivering classified information to our enemies.”

“Information you let me take. How will that look on your pristine record?” She backed away and he thought she might be contemplating making a run for it. She wouldn’t get far. He was faster. Stronger.

And then he wondered if she had a gun tucked somewhere in her clothes. Not much room to spare but a small, single shot derringer would be enough to stop him at close range. His gun was in the nightstand in the bedroom. He’d never get to it in time and even if he could – he knew he would never use it on her. In spite of everything she’d revealed, she was still a woman. She was still a woman he had feelings for – that hadn’t changed.

“Susie. What the hell am I supposed to do now?”

“Help me! I never wanted any of this. I was only doing what I had to do. You don’t understand what it’s like!”

“Stop saying that. You had choices and you made them. You wanted out; you could have come to me sooner. You were in my office, for fuck’s sake. Instead of telling me a line about your abusive husband, you could have told me everything.”

“I didn’t know you then. I didn’t know I could trust you. I didn’t know I would fall in love with you.”

“Don’t! Do not play that card. Poor little you. What about me? I opened myself up to you in ways I haven’t opened up to anyone in years. I thought we were going to have a life. A family.”

“We can! We can have a family. All I need is money and I can bribe the officials to get my daughter on a boat. She’s so sweet. You’ll like her. She’ll like you. We’ll be a family and soon it’ll be just as if she was your own.”

Quinn went for the booze again. He was aware that he was turning his back on her. Giving her a chance to run or knock him out from behind. Clearly, she was capable. And maybe a little part of him wished she would so it would be out of his hands. 

Whatever she was to him, he was still an officer in the US Air Force and she was a confessed spy. There wasn’t any set of rules that allowed him to do anything other than turn her over to his superiors. But he knew how she’d be treated. Even if she cooperated, it would still be rough. Being a woman wouldn’t stop them from tormenting her. It might actually make her situation worse. Alone in a jail cell on the base, surrounded by hundreds of male soldiers who could justify their actions based on her choices. She infiltrated our ranks pretending to be one of us. That made her worse than any enemy they might capture on foreign soil. And as such, she had no rights. No expectation of safety. She would be to them what she claimed to be to her own people – property to use for someone’s pleasure.

She was too beautiful. Too alluring to be left alone. Quinn wanted to believe that the soldiers who would be sent to guard her were all the gentlemen they were trained to be. But no. They were just men. And if they didn’t take her, Susie would take them. Using her body to convince them to do a favor here, a favor there and eventually that would lead to escape.

It was an option. Do his duty then turn your back and let her fuck her way out of trouble. At least it wouldn’t be on him.

“Michael.”

God damn it, why didn’t she run? He scrubbed his hands over his face then swallowed the last of the whiskey in the current glass.

“Go in the bedroom.” After the words came out, he realized how it sounded. Not what he meant. “I need time alone to think.” Wait. There was a phone in the bedroom. Razors. Neckties. “Forget that. Just sit on the couch and be quiet. Don’t move. Don’t talk.”

She did move but didn’t talk. She stepped up beside him and set the photo of her daughter on the bar cart in front of him.

Don’t forget, Quinn. Remember who it is who will really be hurt if you make the wrong decision.

He stood there by the bar for what felt like forever, turning over the various scenarios in his head and rejecting every one of them for a different reason.

Susie stayed on the couch, completely quiet as ordered.

He thought about the first time he’d met at her house. Her story about leaving the radio on in the basement. Now, of course, he realized that she’d been hiding something down there.

“That man. . . your husband.”

“He wasn’t my husband. He was my handler. Being married was a cover story so we could blend in.”

“You said was. He’s not any more?”

“He’s dead.”

Quinn actually felt good about that and right after he felt horrible for feeling that way. Did he want to know how or why the man had died? He decided that he didn’t.

He made another decision, too. Quinn went to his desk and dug out a fresh notepad and a pen. He dropped them on the coffee table in front of Susie.

“Start writing. Everything you know. Names, places, dates. Everything your people have gotten involved in. And every piece of information you turned over to them.”

“Information I got from you?”

“Yes.”

“But—”

He cut her off with a look. “Everything you got from me. And everything you got from the Hyneks.”

She started writing.

He almost said never mind to that last part. Debated trying to keep Allen and Mimi out of this. But no. They deserved the truth. It would hurt Mimi deeply, but they had to know what was out there. What being a part of Blue Book really meant so they could take measures to protect themselves in the future.

She wrote and he drank. As she completed each page, she ripped it off the pad and handed it to him to look over. The first few pages were easy to handle – nothing but names of people he didn’t know, doing things he didn’t care about. Then she got to the Hyneks: bugging their phone, encouraging Mimi to unlock Allen’s private files, to read his journal.

“The house was bugged. That’s how you knew Fuller was threatening Mimi. You went there to kill him.”

“I went there to protect Mimi. I didn’t like what I was doing but I liked her. She was the only real friend I ever had. It was. . . . nice.”

“I’m sure she’ll be comforted by that thought when she finds out that you were using her.”

Susie stopped writing. “Does she have to know? Why, Michael? Why do you want to hurt her like that?”

He let out a laughing kind of huff. “Look at you, finding a way to blame this on me. You did this. Keep writing.”

She went back to the pad. Writing fast, noting details that any normal person would have forgotten. Suddenly she paused. Started to write. Stopped.

“Don’t hold back now. The whole truth if you want any mercy from me. You tell the whole truth.”

She looked up at him with actual sadness in her eyes. It almost got him. But he turned away under the guise of lighting a new cigarette. When he looked back she was writing again. Slow this time with a heavy hand.

When she tore that sheet off the pad, he grabbed it instantly, curious as to what was so difficult to put down on paper.

Directions to a grave. Donna. The Hynek’s next-door-neighbor.

“You murdered an innocent woman because you THOUGHT she was getting suspicious?” This was beyond spying now. Beyond blinding him with sexual favors.

“Not me! Cal. After she saw as the park, he was worried that she may have overheard us speaking Russian. I didn’t know he was going to do it until it was done. Then he made me dispose of the body, so I was a party to it. And to teach me a lesson.”

“That everyone is disposable.”

“Including Mimi. That’s why I broke away from her and started pursuing you. You had value. I never thought they’d even try to hurt you.”

He had his back to her and suddenly he felt the warmth of her up against him. “Every choice I made, I was trying to do better but they didn’t leave me much room.”

Quinn turned and she was in his arms, cheek to his chest, fitting in so nicely as she’d done in the shower. The fantasy he’d had of taking her there ran through him and he shivered.

He had to know if it was all an act. If any part of her had actual feelings for him. He kissed her. Felt her respond with her whole body.

He had to know.

Quinn scooped Susie off her feet and carried her into the bedroom. He laid her on the bed and moved over her, all lips and hands – gentle and slow. The way she liked it. The way he liked it.

Gentle and slow until she was lying naked beneath him and he filled her with one, hard thrust. Not gentle now. Hard and rough – not fueled by the anger that was still churning his blood but by the depth of desire that she ignited in him every time they’d made love.

It felt good. But it felt different. Felt like he should leave her fifty bucks on the nightstand or a file with more secrets.

Fuck.

When he was finished, he laid beside her and she curled herself against him as if seeking shelter. He closed his eyes and felt the pull of sleep. He’d hadn’t slept much since Hopkinsville and now the emotional toll and the physical exertion was making it easy to slip away.

There was a vague notion in his brain that falling asleep with her in his arms was dangerous. But with everything she’d done, everything she’d confessed, he couldn’t bring himself to believe that she’d go that far.

He was her only hope. Her front row ticket to the American dream.

Quinn decided just before he fell asleep.

Susie fells asleep a half hour later.

Tight in each other’s arms as if nothing had changed.

When Susie woke up, it was dark in the room. Quinn was sitting on the side of the bed, fully dressed.

“Michael?” She snapped on the bedside lamp. “What time is it?”

He shrugged. Eyes gazing at nothing, cigarette between his lips. “Get dressed.”

“I can’t believe I fell asleep. Maybe I have a concussion.” She rubbed her head but he didn’t see her do it.

“Get dressed,” he repeated.

This time she did as he asked. She tried to make a little show of it, to get him going again but he wasn’t interested. He kept his eyes off of her. Kept smoking.

When she was done, she stepped between his legs and set her arms on her shoulders. “I’m going to make it up to you, Michael. I’ll do anything you want. I’ll be whatever you want.” She kissed him and he responded but only slightly. “I love you.”

He stood, pushing her away with the movement. “Why don’t you go make some coffee. I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Of course.” Another kiss. One more squeeze. Then she walked out of the bedroom and into the living room.

He collapsed back to sitting on the bed when he heard her scream his name. Not Michael. Quinn. A little scared but mostly angry.

Betrayal hurt.

Quinn waited until he heard the front door close. Then he went into the living room. The men were gone. The written confession was gone. Susie was gone. And with it all hope of marriage and family and coming home to the love of a good woman.

Quinn went to the bar cart and opened a fresh bottle of Bourbon. Then he drank until he couldn’t feel the pain anymore.

  
The End


End file.
